Acceptance of My Current State of Mind

I do not have all of the answers.
It's very difficult to realize that I don't have all of the answers for my life. It's scary and confusing because what I think I want for myself is not true. Everytime I get to a point where I think I've figured something out, I learn something new about who I really am.

I am more than I appear to be.
I am not my past experiences. I am not my roles I play on Earth. I am not my emotions. I am not my physical body. I am so much more than these things. I am energy that lives outside the constraints of time. I am consciousness that gives life to all.

My mind is sabotaging my efforts to be great.
I realize that if I can not set aside my mind's point of view, I will never experience my greatness. That brings me back to my fears and the whole point of this journal. I FEEL like I will be judged for my mistakes here. I FEEL ashamed of not knowing my true self. I FEEL insecure about my future. The truth is, these feelings do not define me. I have nothing to be afraid of. I wanted to erase my previous posts and start over but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to push through this and move on, knowing that I have made a small growth transformation.

My physical body is not meant to be perfect.
So, in closing, I would like to say that my mind is always churning and my emotions are always fighting to be heard, but I will continue to put my fears aside and post what is really in my heart as I go. I will not get tangled up in the emotions that make me want to behave "perfectly" because I realize that there is no perfect. Perfect is some misunderstood childhood notion that I can choose to not be a part of.

There is no reason to feel apologetic.
Now, with that said, this journal will represent my true personal growth journey. On this journey, there will be no such thing as perfect, or fear, or right, or wrong, or good, or bad. Everything that happens will be in the present and therefore completely true. If I live in the present, there will be no reason to feel apologetic. My mind can not be trusted to define who I am as a supreme Being, but I can live for right now and trust that everything that is happening is true. My emotions will be the result of what is currently happening and therefore more reliable. By living in the present, I will not even give my emotions the opportunity to sabbotage my efforts.

Where True Love Comes From

Things exist because they do.
Humans, and everything else on this Earth, have come to be by the joining together of super-micro ions as they float naturally. Everything came together because that is what it was going to do anyway. We as humans can not make air, it simply is. We can not create rocks, they simply are. Matter is matter because it was always going to be. There are many physical and chemical changes that happen that are totally outside of anyone or anything's control simply because it is. If you use your imagination to go backwards in time, you can see that everything is evolving. It doesn't need a reason to evolve or happen. It doesn't need permission. It just happens due to the natural cause and effect of the universe.

Your awareness is what makes these random occurances mean anything.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise? I would have to be inclined to say no. In fact, without awareness, I would have to say the tree does not exist at all. The tree as we know it would just be one of the many random causes of the random events of the universe. Our unique awarenes is what gives life to the tree or deadness to the discarded glass bottle. If we didn't possess awareness as a conscious being, these things would have absolutely no meaning. Someone had to first give notice to things in order to make it special. Everything we see is loved by our awareness. Only out of love can we have a feeling about it. Our bodies are just matter. The body and the mind could not have awareness on thier own because they are just more random causes of random events of the universe.

True love can be felt only when you realize you are love.
What makes a flower beautiful? What makes life important? What allows us to notice colors in a rainbow? Love. And this love comes from our awareness. Again, without our awareness, we would just be droning masses of matter merely existing and living out survival instincts of the mind. We wouldn`t take notice of anything and nothing would have value. This type of love is not the material love we think of when we hear the word. When we fear something, we must love it or we wouldn't care. Care is what love is all about. Caring for everything is the ultimate love. It means that you are in-tune with your consciousness and remain aware of your surroundings at all times. Being aware that you have awareness is an even higher mark of love because it allows you freedom from the material world. You will no longer search for love in the world outside because you realize there is no outside. You are bursting with love. You are love because you are awareness.

Now, I would like for you to close your eyes and try to imagine this world without love. What are you noticing about how people interact with other people and things around them? Please share your thoughts.

Autopilot vs Full Control

Have you ever lied in bed at night wondering where your day went? You know you ate a meal because there are dishes in the sink. You know you showered because you're clean and there's a mysterious pile of dirty laundry on the floor. You did a lot, but you don't really remember anything. This feeling comes from living on autopilot. When you let life happen to you, you become a slave of habits. Not saying that all habits are bad, but if you wish to truly experience life, you have to be there mentally, spiritually, and physically at every single moment.

I make my life about the experience. I mean really, what else is there to life? It doesn't matter how big or small you perceive the event to be. What's important is that you live in that moment and that moment alone. It's very difficult to change from autopilot to full control, but it is possible and it's a great experience if you can pull it off.

To get out of autopilot mode, I've set my cell phone to ring every hour as a reminder to pay attention to my surroundings. I do this every hour for at least five minutes. The purpose of this is to do it so often that it becomes second nature. When I'm living from experience to experience instead of on autopilot, I feel no stress about bills or what I'm going to have for dinner. There is no past nor future. I simply breathe in everything that's going on right then. I focus on each of my senses and express gratitude for what I am able to see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. I express gratitude for my thoughts right at that moment. I express gratitude for my vehicle that is my body. And in those moments, I know that I don't NEED anything else. I already have everything to make my life what I want it to be.

There are many things you may have been missing in your life simply because you weren't really there. I'm on day 3 of living in the moment and I have to say it's very confusing in the beginning. The most difficult part, I would have to say, is keeping your mind from drifting into the future or the past. It comes as a fun challenge though and I believe I'm getting better. The best experience I've had so far??? I actually noticed my son for the first time in a long time. Sure, I see him everyday, but I've been on autopilot for so long that I've forgotten who he was. Terrible I know, but I can appreciate him a lot more now and I'm glad I made this change in my life. I'd love to hear about your experiences while living in the moment. What are you missing in your life?