Raise your hand if you were ever molested as a child... I know that not everyone is going to be able to relate to having this happen to them. I blame it all on being the product of a key latch houshold. My dad was whirled away in a storm of divorce and my mom had to work full time to take care of four kids. I don't blame either one of them for their absences. But the fact remains that due to their absences, my brothers and I were given freedoms that no child should be allowed to have.
The boy next door had his way with me whenever he got the chance. Mom's "boy toys" were always right there to take notice of how attractive I was becoming as my body matured. Dating back to about the age of 6 all the way to the age of 18, I was the victim of this type of disgusting, manish behavior from seemingly every guy I ran into and every guy my mom ran into. So, you think that's sad? Oh no. The sad part is that when I finally became brave enough to tell my mom about all of my shamefully explicit encounters, her direct reply to me was (no I'm not making this up and I quote)
"Mariah, you know stuff like that happened to me all the time when I was a little girl. Sometimes things like that just happen."WOW! Really? That's what you say to your daughter when she's trying to open up to you? I realize that a parenting manual doesn't pop out with the afterbirth, but geez a little effort would have been niice. Or maybe, this is the way she truly felt. I have no idea what made her say it, but I was floored as you can imagine. Still, I managed to be respectful to her.
I went on about my daily life and soon I had my own child. I was willing to let things be until the madness was exposing itself to my very own baby boy. So I did what I suppose any sensible person would or should do in a case like this. I distanced myself from her. It was so hard at first because my mom raised me. I loved her and I had to keep telling myself that I wasn't visiting as much because it was for the best interest of my child. I mean seriously, would you leave your child in the hands of someone who thinks molestion is a normal part of growing up?
The Future
Extreme scenario 1: The cycle is repeating itself. I've felt sorry for her. She's missing out on the development of her grandchildren and I know this saddens her even if she won't directly admit it. I feel deep pity for her and take the kids over to her house to visit ocassionally. This makes me feel miserable because I can not forgive her nonchalant attitude about my childhood. She starts dating again and her deep desire to live the married life gets her into another bogus relationship. The kids (or I) am subjected to sexual predation. A fight ensues. Past emotions build in both of us. The kids are then exposed to hatred. Soon, stress mounts on both sides.
Extreme scenario 2: I haven't seen her for years. The kids are doing great in school. My oldest son doesn't really remember her. The younger two don't even know she exists. They aren't missing anything because they were never introduced to it in the first place. You can't miss what you never had, right? Actually, I take that back. They are missing out on the abuse, negativity, and thoughtlessness that may have manifested had they been allowed to be in her presence. They are healthy young boys with bright promising futures and deep connection with their own spirituality. Man, that even felt more soothing to write than Extreme Scenario 1.
The Present
Isn't it amazing how time travel works? Today, my kids are living without their grandmother. I have no plans to introduce them to her (or reintroduce). I feel that the things they are missing out on far outweigh the devastation that could become their reality. I don't feel apologetic because I know I've given it considerable thought. I surround myself with positive people and positive situations for a reason and I want the same things for my kids. Why shouldn't they be happy? I don't intend to introduce any poisons into their lives. If they want poison, they can find it for themselves when they are able to take care of themselves. For now, we're living stress-free and I'm living mom-free. I'm done trying to make it "work out".
How would you handle your mom if you were in this situation with her? Do you think I'm being too harsh? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below. Subscribe to comments to follow the discussion.
